Wow! So many things to say and no idea just where to start. I want so badly to be able to effectively convey these thoughts that are in my head. It's not always easy. I guess I should start today by saying, "HAPPY 17th BIRTHDAY, MATTHEW!" It has been a long and interesting journey, and I would not have missed it for the world. First steps we were told would never happen....first words we never dreamed would come....the laughs the smiles.....the tears....the years.
All of the difficult times, make the good times that much sweeter. It is refreshing to stop and enjoy the simplistic pleasures along the way. With special needs children, you want so much for them, but your expectations are lowered and you learn to savor the silliest things. Little things mean so much. I cannot give Matthew words of wisdom or advice on girls. I cannot help him study or teach him to drive. However, no first dates means no broken heart to mend and no driving means not worrying about him while he is out.....no bad grades means no disappointments. The memories and milestones we have missed out on with Matthew have been replaced with other ones. You live, you learn, you accept, you deal with it. After all, it's all about the journey.
I spent the first year of his life trying so hard to form a bond with him. This tiny little boy who was so distant. He preferred to be in his own little world. I held him tight as he cried, wanting so much to make that connection.Wanting to see him look up and smile at me in that adorable little smile that babies do. It didn't happen...at least not in the first year. We spent most of the first year in the hospital. My heart broke to see what he had to go through.....IV's, needles, x-rays, tests. It was not easy....not by a long shot. I know more about breathing treatments and respiratory infections than I ever wanted to know. I can convert kilograms to pounds with ease. I saw things there that no one should have to see, let alone live through. The first year was definitely the hardest. It tested my faith, it tested my strength, it tested my heart. However, it made me strong and I am better because of it. I have profound appreciation and respect for not only these precious kids, but also the people in their lives that care for them.
It's been 17 years and I have seen him smile. I have heard his laugh echo through the house. I have seen him walk and make his own way. I have seen him succeed....to thrive. This precious child of mine has taught me so much.
If there are any words of advice that I could offer to any parent, it is this......love your kids. Show them you love them. Embrace their individuality and uniqueness. Praise all of their accomplishments, no matter how small they may seem. Hug them. Tell them you love them every day. Teach them to have compassion and respect for others.
Here is a poem someone gave me right after Matthew was born. I wanted to share it.
The Special Mother
by Erma Bombeck
by Erma Bombeck
Did you ever wonder how mothers of disabled children were chosen?
Somehow I visualize God hovering over the earth selecting his instruments of propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.
"This one gets a daughter. The Patron saint will be Cecelia"
"This one gets twins. The Patron saint will be Matthew"
"This one gets a son. The Patron saint.....give her Gerard. He's used to profanity"
Finally He passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a disabled child".
The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy"
"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a disabled child to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel!"
"But has she patience?" asks the angel.
"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of sorrow and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it. I watched her today, she has that feeling of self and independence that is so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has his own world. She has to make him live in her world and that's not going to be easy."
"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you"
God smiles, "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect - she has just enough selfishness"
The angel gasps - "Selfishness? is that a virtue?"
God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally she won't survive. Yes here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a 'spoken word'. She will never consider any 'step' ordinary. When her child says "Momma" for the first time she will be present at a miracle and will know it. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty and prejudice...and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as if she is here by my side"
"And what about her Patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid air.
God smiles "A mirror will suffice"
I still do not think I am special. I am not a better parent than any of the rest of you. All I can do love him, and I do. It has been a privilege and an honor to care for this special gift. This post has been the hardest to write. It was written through a veil of tears and with much sadness in my heart as I looked back. But the tears here at the end are tears of joys for the accomplishments he has made and for the hope and expectations of those to come. Happy birthday, Matthew! Momma loves you =)
happy birthday matthew
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